To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize I how you feel when your partner does certain things. The technical meaning is different (associated with different connotations) than the way the word is commonly used in English. CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. What NVC is concerned about, in part, is the dynamic of sabotaging self-trust that can get set up when we assume that there is an objective truth about what is good and bad and that we are able to deliver authoritative judgments about this goodness/badness. To the contrary, Rosenberg was fond of encouraging people to "enjoy the jackal show," i.e., to accept and watch the stream of judgments that flow through our consciousness. What matters is whether they have practiced sufficiently with transforming their judgments and/or acknowledging and attending to judgments without feeding them so that using the verbal forms of NVC is actually congruent with their inner experience. But, it could happen, so I value the possibility being named. Note to self: Explore uses of the energy of anger that would be compatible with nonviolent aims. It can easily encourage precisely the sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC means to transform. 26. Your visitors are more loyal and not annoyed guessing characters or puzzles. NVC does, I think, invite us to examine more closely certain beliefs, especially beliefs that we think we can only express in moralistic terms. I am surprised by your conclusion that, "Dr. Rosenberg doesn't believe that appreciation is good for the recipient. If that were the case, why would the book contain a whole chapter on offering appreciation? NVC has some practices, related to connecting to needs that can sometimes release people from these traps. So, I suppose it is naturally that there are words that are in a grey zone slightly but not extremely charged, and naming important experiences that are hard to point to otherwise so that they get included on NVC feelings lists, and it is hoped that the practitioner will use discernment about whether it is likely to be helpful or unhelpful to use that word in the context of a particular conversation. At the same time, as real as this danger is, I want to also honor that NVC aspires to support people in transforming the way they relate to life at a deep level, not just the way they speak, and that at times NVC can be movingly effective in producing this result. So, you can upload spammer email or IP spam list. I thought to myself, That's a telling question that reveals a confusion of boundaries." So, I would translate the issue you raise to something like, would it be beneficial if NVC encourage people to try to reveal how they would benefit from what they say they want? Is this a time you could hear me? as an example of Clean Talk. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. It would be better to say, Ive been waiting here for 20 minutes. You can check any IP or Email with the Blacklists Database, it allows you to block spammers or other malicious activity. autocad apple silicon; characteristics of an effective organizational structure; clean talk communication I dont see any problem with the systems focusing on different usages. There is trust and experience that positive things can happen with way less coercion than is conventionally thought necessary. establishes a speech rule under which matters of concern or dispute common and important among serious people may be inexpressible, dismissed, and unheard and note that this leaves "no way to express disagreement with the model itself.. 30, 33, 72, 86, 122, etc.).. After practicing NVC for decades, he still carried around a notebook where he would record his judgments, so that he could work on transforming them when he had a chance. I've learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don't hear what they think." Realizing that you want this for them as well, you may feel some tenderness towards them, and find that much of the energy of blame and judgment towards them drains away even as you continue to really want dependability and trust. Regarding using giraffe to label someone speaking NVC and jackal to label someone speaking more violently, I agree that this is a risky strategy for trying to support conceptual clarity. You write "I believe judgment makes it possible for us to grow emotionally and spiritually by allowing us to distinguish how we act from how we wish to act. In NVC, this process is supported through the naming of needs, which are essentially values that we want to live into. Might there be valuable ways of using the energy of anger, beyond using it as a wake-up call? Interpersonal conflicts seem to often be deeply rooted in differing interpretations. In: Most of the energy comes from somewhere else, though the words I read were the stimulus. I think this can happen even with people who are quite practiced in the form of NVC. This framework offers a reliable basis for seeing beauty and nobility in all people and in every part of our psyche an intellectual framework that, when it is exercised fully, inevitably leads people to experience love and compassion. I think NVC discourages the use of moralistic judgments because they are entrenched tools of coercion and battling for domination, and NVC is about shifting out of a paradigm where one engages in those sort of activities. NVC cautions that it's essential to empowerment and personal freedom to recognize that emotions don't only reflect what happens outside us, but also reflect the stories we have made up about what we've observed, associations we have with unhealed pain from the past, and our assessments of how what is happening is likely to meet or not meet our needs. I gather that Clean Talk offers some ideas about this, and those may be useful. Anger, and the stories we tell ourselves in association with anger, tend to lead to adversarial reactions. It can be installed on glass or plexiglas window, doors and thick walls. Convenient registration/commenting forms increase the number of registrations. Text. There is a topic in NVC called connection requests, which unfortunately isnt addressed in the book you read. And if so, could you be more specific about what you would like to have shared, and what it would do for you if that happened? I have an understanding that moralistic language is part of a larger pattern of trying to control people through punishment and reward in ways that tend to disconnect people from their own beneficial intrinsic motivations and inner wisdom, and that moralistic language tends to increase separation between people when some of those involved are cast as being at risk of being seen as morally wrong. On the other hand, when Rosenberg or anyone else teaches, they are engaged in a type of different activity, using what I might term Concept Mapping Talk transmitting concepts and how they relate to one anotherand the guidance that is relevant toteaching (once we've addressed the relational issue of whether there is consent to be together in a teaching context) is different than the guidance that relevant to addressing the relationship between us. This matches what Clean Talk advocates for, albeit with an extra stage of checking first before offering judgments. Unfortunately, how to communicate with ones significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. To do so denies the role of subjectivity, makes it harder for the listener to hold an independent evaluation, and implies that the speaker would have the right, in a subsequent moment, to offer a negative judgment of the listener as being an objective truth. I personally advise my students NOT to use the word need when speaking using NVC, to minimize the likelihood of such misunderstandings. The body's immune system can also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory . I invite you to let me know. This is a matter of sensing what is important to us in a judgment, and finding a new, more satisfying way of thinking about the issue which fully honors what is important to us, and which also honors the humanity of everyone involved. However, NVC's needs focus is offers a way to transcend the disadvantages (unnecessary alienation) of moralistic language, and I don't see Clean Talk offering that, even with "second-level wants. Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show youre listening. Informally, NVC practitioners sometimes do this as well, speak judgments, label and owning them as such but this is not a formal part of the model. Yes, making beliefs explicit and expressing them, can help with this but I wonder if there is support for realizing the tendency towards beliefs to be unduly limiting in the experiences they allow us to access? I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. I cant tell if I would personally prefer to have things more spelled out or not. One might equally say "making sweeping generalizations is a form of violence. A few years ago, I facilitated a process to gather input from people around the world who cared about NVC, and people from 42 countries participated, in 4 languages (which was as much as we could logistically manage). The Illinois Clean Jobs Coalition says buildings that burn natural gas account for about two-thirds of harmful carbon emissions in Chicago. ACT, as the name implies, is an active therapy, directed toward living fully while accepting what is not within our control and committing to actions that are within our control to make life meaningful and fulfilling. Rosenberg refuses to say the conventional things about violence to try to disrupt the static thinking about this topic that ultimately leads to nowhere near as good an outcome as he believes would otherwise be possible. These seem analogous to the sort of judgments that you are concerned about an NVC practitioner not expressing. You suggest that Clean Talk recommends using Clean Talk only in specific situations, while Dr. Rosenberg seems to recommend using NVC all the time. This doesnt match my reading of what Rosenberg says he says (p. 8) its applicable in a wide variety of contexts, which is not the same as saying one should use it all the time.. First, I want to name the the idea of requiring or not requiring or forbidding, etc., are all antithetical to NVC. Its not about whether or not something is needed for survival, but whether its recognizable to most people as something that tends to support human beings in thriving; its not about conveying a sense of urgency; and saying the word need when using NVC is not required by the model and is often likely to be counter-productive. On the other hand, suppose you approach the performer and say, When I listened to you sing, my cares fell away and I felt joy and awe it filled me with a sense of beauty. In this case, even if the performer perceived mistakes in their performance, there is nothing to argue with in your report of your own subjective experience; regardless of how the performer enjoyed their own performance, they can take in the way that their performance contributed to you. Clean 7 is a 7-Day detox program that blends Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and Functional Medicine for powerful . This occurs when you mix some of the 4 elements together or mislabel them in order to disguise your real intent. I was delighted to encounter this, because I think there is a lot to be learned from reflecting on ideas dear to us (as we understand them and as others perceive them), and considering what arises from different orientations to the problem of communication. You write, "It seems to me that when a person using NVC refers to a need, he/she is making a judgment as if that judgment is an uncontested fact. Not at all there is no assertion that This is a need. Ideally, nothing is overtly labeled a need, any more than a musician, when playing a note, would say out loud this is a C-sharp. Its simply a concept to guide the practitioner in choosing what to do. (I notice that sometimes an anger-related emotion might get toned down in the way it is named, e.g., someone feeling furious might say theyre angry and someone feeling angry might say theyre feeling irritated (or irritation?) You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. No Captcha, no questions, no counting animals, no puzzles, no math. And, if taken too literally, or applied at times where that guidance isn't as relevant, it could lead one astray. This pseudo-objectivity and deep association with extrinsic motivators render such language and judgments as instruments of social and interpersonal control in ways that make conversations involving moral disagreements unsafe and fraught with challenge. Which want might it be helpful to express? You also say "it seems to be inviting a discussion of reasons with no clear guidelines for how reasons might be expressed safely using NVC. Actually, one of the main reasons for suggesting guessing the reason, as opposing to simply asking for a reason, is to model the type of reasons one is looking to hear. being connected to what is important to us, conceptually and energetically; seeing the humanity in one another, and relating to one another with an open heart; increasing flexibility, suggesting the possibility of a variety of concrete ways of addressing what matters to us; thinking and talking about what matters to us in a way that, unlike the use of moralistic language," need not trigger painful associations with a sense of danger of social disapproval or punishment. I am also intrigued by the ideas of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. My take on your comparison is that the issues you point to, variously: It all seems valuable to me to engage with. Its easier to associate with our own inner wisdom about what works for us. You suggest that Rosenberg isn't "willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way." We collaborate with founders and company leadership who have ambitions that align with our own to blaze a new path forward. [This is originally began as an email message to the author of the comparison, Alyce Barry, and so is written as if to her.]. That orientation towards fighting tends to be associated with a belief that a moral contract has been violated. ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It seems to me that sometimes the words are impeccable, but there is an energetic quality that leads to conversations not being fully alive, not flowing and evolving in a way that leads to shifts in individuals and warm connection growing between people. With those who dont know NVC, its a way of inviting them into our non-blaming conversational frame. If you approached me with the Clean Talk expression, "I want to connect with you and then stopped talking, I might feel frustrated with you for beating around the bush, and putting the burden on me to figure out what you meant by that and to propose a way of addressing it. As to the risk of making empathy guesses (guesses about anothers observations, feelings, needs, etc.) I take Dr. Rosenbergs admonitions about thoughts as an invitation to notice when conversing at the level of interpretations isnt getting me where Id like to go, and when that happens, to be willing to drop down to a deeper level of awareness where I feel into what is happening, notice the barriers to open-heartedness, imagine the human aspirations in play, and remember my intention to find a way forward that works for everyone, or at the least, honors my deepest values. When I guess the reason behind the no, its essential that we guess a reason that we express something that is perfectly human and understandable and which contains no hint of blame. MFP write that the basic message of a threat is: youre bad and Im going to punish you. Its a way of trying to compel desired behavior, but since it shuts down the whole discussion, even if it works in the short term, the underlying issue will remain unresolved. Cha c sn phm trong gi hng. I can understand why Dr. Rosenberg might want to focus primarily on moralistic judgments, and use judgment as a convenient shorthand for that, while you might prefer to use judgment in a broader sense. highlight potential weaknesses or limitations in NVC that I also have concerns about and/or where I find your perspective clarifying or intriguing; don't reflect NVC as I understand it, but rather reflect deficiencies in the way that NVC was presented to you (which does reflect ways others might also misunderstand/misapply NVC); offer things to think about and reflect on further; miss awareness of what NVC uniquely offers that is likely absent from Clean Talk. You say "Dr. Rosenberg equates anger with the desire to find fault; he writes that anger 'indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody' (p.143). Whole messages consist of 4 parts: We havent been spending as much time together [Observation]. Real-Voice technology provides speech playback at a high audio quality. Podcast #862: Heal the Body With Extended Fasting, Podcast #761: How Testosterone Makes Men, Men, How Saunas Can Help Save Your Body, Mind, and Spirit, Podcast #852: The Brain Energy Theory of Mental Illness, The Insanely Difficult Standards of Historys Hardest P.E. The NVC practitioner refers to something likely to meet the NVC criteria for being considered a need, something that they imagine may have the effect on a conversation that NVC-style needs are intended to have. We oftentimes want to think weve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear youre just like your dad feels like a punch to the gut. Oftentimes, you may think youre getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. You say "Expressing our judgments may be the only way we can detect the judgments we hold that are inaccurate." And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication. If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success, but doesnt guarantee it if you just arent right for each other. Cleantech Communication is a collective of senior-level consultants who operate as an extension of our clients in-house teams. MFP note that one effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question: The questioner adopts the posture of soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; theyre really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partners choice. Im feeling sad and worried. 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